No matter what you do, some people won't like you

Paul's Tip

When I was a teenager, I worked out that convincing people to like me was a useful skill to have. I tried all sorts of strategies and experiments for doing just that. Soon, I became a virtual expert.

Yet despite my efforts, there was always some people I'd come across who'd refuse to like me no matter what I did. This would really frustrate me and I'd put extra effort into convincing them. I figured there must be some kind of weakness in my strategy. I became obsessed with the problem they presented. How could they be so immune to my charms?

Today, I realize that no matter what you do, some people aren't going to like you. To try to charm everyone is a futile effort. Some people just aren't going to fall for you, no matter how hard you try.

This occurs for a few different reasons, but here are the main ones I've figured out.

The first, is that some people have very fixed views on what's right and what's wrong. They'll judge you on what kind of person they think you are. And often different groups have diametrically opposed views.

The other main reason you'll come across people who refuse to like you whatever you do, is that some individuals use withholding their approval as a type of power play. If they see you as somebody competent or with status, they can hate you in order to try to prove themselves better. Others simply hate many people as a way of trying to obtain control over others. I'm sure you've come across many such people in your own life.

Putting effort into charming people is an important life skill to have. But don't get too hung up on the fact that you'll come across some people who are immune to your charms. It's an inevitable part of life and something we all have to deal with.

The world is filled with opportunity

Paul's Tip

A few years back, I was doing some computer contracting for one of the biggest banks in the world. One day, an email was sent around by management requesting the entire information technology department attend a meeting in the conference room. We all turned up to be told we were being made redundant. It seemed they wanted to run the Asia-Pacific IT entirely from Singapore.

Many of the people there had been working for that company for five years or more. They were devastated. They couldn't imagine there would be another opportunity like that for them. They felt that without the bank to employ them, they'd have no career.

They were wrong.

Within a month I had another job with a government department. It was better paid, more interesting, and more fun. Being made redundant by the bank was a minor glitch for me, not a major catastrophe.

I'm no different to the other people who were called to the conference room that day. I'm no smarter, better looking or more qualified. What I am, is better organized at taking advantage of career opportunities. I figured out long ago that the world is full of such opportunities, you just have to be willing to put in the hard yards in order to take advantage of them.

If you let yourself get into a position where losing one job is going to ruin your life, then you have no-one to blame but yourself when it happens. Job opportunities are everywhere, but you have to go through the initial difficulties of learning how to find them.

Okay, onto another example.

I've known a lot of people who get hung up on one potential romantic partner who's obviously not that into them. I'm sure you do too. In fact, almost all of us have been in this situation before ourselves.

How does it happen? Why do we let ourselves get into such an unsatisfactory circumstance?

I think the mental process boils down to this one simple belief: "This person has shown some interest in me. I'll never find anyone else as good as them".

Generally, I think this belief is absolute baloney. If you can pique one person's romantic interest, you can surely do it with someone else. Attracting people is a learned skill, just as career development is. If you're willing to put in the hard yards to learn the ropes, you'll figure out that you can fill your life with eligible people. It involves work, but it's not an impossible task by any means.

Getting hung up on one person who isn't willing to move forward is for suckers. Just as thinking your life is over simply because you lost a job is.

The world is filled with opportunities, but you have to learn how to take advantage of them. In almost every arena, the difference between the winners and the losers comes down to hard work and practice. Succeeding in career, business, love or friendship is generally a learned skill. Like learning to play darts, you're unlikely to be brilliant at it straight away. It takes practice and the humility to get through the early difficult days.

Be willing to do the work to fill your life with opportunity. It's well worth it, believe me.

Learn how to apologize

Time and again I see problems blown out of proportion and relationships dashed because of someone having too much pride to say those two little words: "I'm sorry". I've never really understood people who refuse to apologize under any circumstances.

Is it because they're too proud or because they genuinely believe they're some kind of superhuman person who never makes mistakes? It's beyond me why they do it. But one thing I know for certain is that their pigheadedness causes them more trouble than it avoids.

Let me give you an example of how easily a problem can be solved with a simple apology. A few years back, I was living in a large residence with 40 other long-term occupants. We used to go out often having a good time together.

One day, some of the girls in the residence started acting a bit strangely towards me. They avoided talking to me and gave me mean looks. After a day or so of this, I finally found out what was going on. I'd said something to a popular girl the night before which she didn't like. I'd had a few drinks that night, and like everyone I sometimes say things that sound harsher than I mean them to.

Anyway, it seems that girl had told a bunch of her friends, and now they were all angry at me. They found a great opportunity to obsess about all the other supposed crimes I'd committed over the past year. Previously, they'd all really liked me, but suddenly they decided I was a really bad guy.

This was a difficult problem. I lived with these people and liked them all. I didn't want them to hate me because of something stupid I'd said. Perhaps they were wrong and perhaps I was wrong. It seemed irrelevant to me. All I wanted was things to be back to normal again.

So I wrote the popular girl a note saying simply: "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to".

And that was it. The problem evaporated. In fact, the girls who were angry with me now liked me better than ever. They knew I'd done something courageous in admitting I was wrong and apologizing.

Of course, I could have taken another path and dug my heels in. The truth was I couldn't even remember what I'd said that was so offensive, and I was a little sceptical about the whole thing. I'm sure I'd done something wrong, but it all seemed a little blown out of proportion.

But what would I have got from that path of action? Nothing.

I defused what could have caused a big problem with me simply by knowing when to back down and apologize. I think everyone had forgotten about the whole situation within a week.

Learn how and when to apologize. Often, the pride and stubbornness you hold onto by refusing to back down isn't worth the price of a prolonged argument. An apology can do wonders for healing a difficult situation. And often, people will think better of you for it.

Focus on the opportunities of the future, not the tragedies of the past

Paul's Tip

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Life isn't always easy. I'm sure I don't have to convince you of that. We all face tragedies and make mistakes. That's just part of existing on this planet.

But at the same time, we're all provided with opportunities and good times. It's a mix of the bitter and the sweet.

Part of being successful and happy in life, I believe, is to be able to move on from the tragedies of the past. And we all have them. Sure some of us get it worse than others, but you have to play with the cards life deals you. If you've been dumped by your lover, been a victim of crime, failed in business, or lost a friend, then you're just one of the multitude. We all face such challenges and sometimes worse.

It's the people who can pick themselves up, after an understandable period of mourning, and refocus themselves back on the future who are likely to find happiness. We are human, and need time to recover from setbacks, but it's a mistake to let them consume you.

I've travelled extensively and met all sorts of people in my time. The difference between those who are happy and those who aren't is often not to do with circumstances, but with attitude. The ones who can shrug off life's difficulties and work towards something better in the future are the ones who are smiling. They feel a quiet confidence, that they can still find a little goodness and light.

Others I meet can let one negative event in their lives destroy any chance of happiness. They turn the bad things that happened to them over and over in their minds until the world appears dark and brutal. Perhaps they've been through a messy divorce or lost their lucrative career. Perhaps they've had a health problem, or suffered as a victim of crime. Whatever it is, they just don't seem to be able to move on. Their entire life is viewed through the lens of the problems from the past.

You can see this also at play in certain peoples. Those is some countries can't escape from ancient crimes they feel were perpetrated against them. They live their entire lives attempting to correct what should long have been forgotten. Meanwhile, those in other countries seem to do little else but focus on the opportunities of the future. I'm sure you can find examples of each without having to think too hard.

Focus on the opportunities of the future, not the tragedies of the past when living your own life. It's not always easy, but it's the most sane way to live. And, of course, it's your best hope of happiness.

Turning Strangers Into Friends

Do you find it easy to make conversation with new people you’ve just met? Or does the thought of trying to make conversation with someone new make you break out in a cold sweat?

If you don’t feel comfortable making casual conversation with new people you have just met, you will find it harder to make new friends. You will also find it more difficult to fit in at your work place.

One of the most common reasons that people have difficulty making conversation with someone they don’t know very well is because they put too much pressure on themselves.

Many people think that whenever they meet someone new, they have to say something really interesting and brilliant, right from the beginning. Even before they know the other person very well. They think they have to really put up a great performance to impress the other person.

They don’t just let themselves just be ordinary, and talk about fairly ordinary things.

Here’s a very important lesson to learn about making conversation with people: Insisting to yourself that you have to be brilliant and dazzling in all your conversations will not win you new friends. It will not even improve your conversational performance.

When you think to yourself that you have to perform perfectly in all your conversations, you will actually make your performance worse! You will become too nervous and awkward, and you’ll be too focused on your own performance. You won’t be focused on getting to know the new person you’ve just met.

New people that you meet are not looking for brilliant conversation. What they are looking for is someone who will be comfortable to be with, and fun to talk to. But most of all they are looking for someone who seems interested in them!

For conversational success, it’s more important to be a good listener than to be a great talker.

When you are just starting out talking to a person, you can use your immediate surroundings or the weather as a basis for a few starting remarks.

If you want to know that person better, move on quickly to a slightly more personal level of discussion. Ask a few basic questions and offer a little bit of information about yourself, your likes or dislikes, or your opinion on some neutral topic. Notice whether the other person lights up with interest about any topics you mention.

This can give you new interesting areas for both of you to discuss.
Even if it seems somewhat difficult and awkward for you in the beginning, develop the habit of introducing yourself to others as soon as you meet them, or very early in the conversation. Otherwise you could spend hours talking and neither of you will have any idea of what your conversation partner’s name is.

Socially confident people introduce themselves to their conversation partners very early in the course of conversation. People who are shy or socially awkward tend to introduce themselves much later, or not at all. Shy people often wait until someone asks for their name, but they rarely volunteer to give it, and they rarely ask the other person what their name is.

Sometimes it is easier to ask the other person for their name first, and then offer your own. If you practice the new behavior enough times, it will eventually become second nature to you. With enough practice, it will no longer seem intimidating to take a more active role.

The important thing is simply to develop the habit of starting simple little conversations with lots more people. Look for the interests you have in common.

If you want to be more socially successful, take the initiative to introduce yourself to new people and to get the conversational ball rolling. Don’t hold back and let other people make all the first moves. If you have been holding back, waiting for other people to do all the work in the relationship, you are shirking your responsibility in making the relationship move forward.

Show interest in other people. Smile. Listen. Look at the person you’re talking with.

Whenever you start talking to new people, don’t strive for great dialogue, or the perfect opening lines. Just get started, and keep on talking. Practice making conversations with a lot of new people. You will eventually get better at it.

Don’t decide that you’re a failure if the encounter doesn’t turn into a great friendship. After all, the truth is that the majority of conversations between new people don’t really go anywhere. That’s all right. It takes time and effort to turn casual strangers into friends.

Remember, that all of the friends you already have were strangers to you at one point in your life. Until you started talking and found out what you have in common.

Learning how to make conversation with people you don’t know well can be the first step in making many new friends.

Author’s Bio

This article is written by conversation expert Royane Real. Get her new short report titled “Your Guide to Making Friendly Conversation” If you want to improve your conversation abilities, download it now from http://www.lulu.com/real

AFFIRMATIONS

I release my self from my past performance.

Learning and remembering is easy for me.

My mind works rapidly and effectively.

I affirm that I am a unique person.

I am uncovering new abilities.

I am achieving my goal.

I am supremely calm.

I am successful.

I can do it.